This poem is an old edited one – part of it is in the chortle video thats a few posts down but this is the final edited version of it (for now at least!) It’s a poem for people that find the word ‘love’ (traditionally a poets stomping ground) terrifying

Like poem

I have a confession
I wish it wasn’t true
I’m never ever going to say
I love you
Whenever I attempt it
it just sits there in my throat
I try to force it out
but the word makes me choke
I try to make the declaration
as I sit opposite my lover
but none of the right sounds come out
I just sit convulse and splutter
all those awkward moments later
I’ll be the first one to admit
the fact I have trouble with this word
makes it tricky to commit
so many failed attempts later
I have reached the conclusion
that I and all commitaphobes
need a real solution
So if like me you struggle too
hell I feel you brother
I am taking the L word
and replacing it with another

And so when the time arrives
here’s just what to do
take their hand in yours and say
Hey, I Like you

I know just what you’re thinking
that just isn’t enough
but when I say I like you
I mean so much extra stuff
like I like you like a lot
like bob marley likes pot
like a fishes like h2o
like sunflowers like to grow
like puppies like chewing toys
like the clergymen likes little boys
like Bruce Wayne like wearing tights
like nocturnal creatures like the night
like Charles dickens likes writing books
like Gordon Ramsay likes to cook
like George formby likes his banjo
like Broomhilda likes Django
like Sir Mix-a-Lot likes big butts
like the government likes making cuts
like Buzz Light-years best friend was Woody
like police like blaming ‘hoodies’
like burlesque dancers like to tease
like Rastamouse just likes cheese
like Scooby-doo villains like disguise
like Morcombe needed Ernie Wise

And some days I like you so much I worry that I might eat you
and there are days you piss me off
and it makes me want to leave you
but that’s the thing with like you see
like is not just blind
and like is to me a much, much harder thing to find
I like you conditionally
on the days you’re not being a twat
and I always try to do the same
and I hope you like me back


For Dylan

For Dylan

When you are born
I’ll hold you tight
and knit you blankets made of
magic, dreams and imagination
that will keep you safe

and watch you grow and
it become a magical carpet
for you
to climb trees to other lands
talk to dragons and goblins
and build fairytale worlds
out of pop bottles,
play dough
and boxes

until you grow up
and discover life
and the real world
it sits folded in a cupboard
you don’t need it
to keep you safe

but sometimes grown up you will
and see the wisps of magic
that got caught
left tucked under cushions
and remember.


Princess Katie

This is a particularly special poem for me, in December I met Katie Dodd and her family at a fundraising event and they were in the process of trying to raise money so that they could take Katie to the USA for treatment to help her recover from Ewing’s Sarcoma a condition which had made her very poorly and caused her to lose feeling in her legs. She is now in America and hopefully on her way to a good recovery and the poem I was asked to write was as a thank you to everyone who has helped the family over the past few months. I felt incredibly honoured to be asked to write it and did so very much with a disney princess loving Katie in mind.

Here is a link to the website for anyone wishing to read more and get involved with the cause.

Gangster Rap and Musicals

Von Rapps

After watching the sound of music
filled with charm and singing nuns
It’s a painful step to admit to yourself
Your dream may well be done
cos your dream is to be a von Trapp Child
At the age of Twenty One

And though at first I will admit
This left me feeling blue
Some things you don’t give up on
You can make your dreams come true
And after hours and hours of thinking
I knew just what I had to do

If I had seven children
I’d have my own set of Von Trapps!
But they wouldn’t just sing Edelweiss
How last century is that?!
I mean, my kids would be edgy
They wouldn’t sing, they’d rap

From birth they would be wearing
Diamond encrusted baby grows
And as soon as they could walk and talk
Perform in talent shows
And I would watch them proud to see
Their fan base grow and grow

As far writing lyrics goes
Again it’s sorted out
I’d play heavy metal at nap time
They won’t sleep cos it’s too loud
Filling them with enough rage and hate
To have things to write about

But as my little army of rappers
Achieve worldwide success
Their tiny faces on front pages
Of the international press
I’d realise they’d had no childhood
Something I would regret

I don’t want them mobbed by screaming fans
As they trundle off to school
And a Jackson 5-esque childhood
Could just be seen as cruel
For them to just be happy
Is actually pretty cool

So at night time I won’t blast music
I’ll just tuck them up in bed
Glad my internationally acclaimed rappers
Were just inside my head
give up on my lifelong dream
and watch the DVD instead

Magic on the High Street

The Wizard of Argos

If you’ve ever watched the Wizard of Oz on TV,
Then it’s safe to assume that you will have seen,
That they went to Oz to make their dreams come true,
But good God that’s a trek! If only they knew;
if they’d only taken time to watch the Ad’s in between
Parts of the film, then they would have seen:
A little shop called Argos, although not quite as pretty
As Oz, one can be found in most towns and cities.
With everything you can dream of all under one roof,
A UK-wide high street chain of good repute.
A reputation this shop deserves just because
It is home to the wonderful Wizard of Argos!

Don’t worry that the wizard in the film was just fiction
No, this man doesn’t have that to restrict him.
He lives all year round, just under the desk,
Putting onto conveyor belts your every request.
Are you wondering how the wizard spends his weekends?
Replenishing catalogue supplies and little blue pens.
It goes without saying that Argos would miss him,
As in an otherwise pretty questionable system,
It’s only thanks to the efficiency and skill of this guy,
You are convinced you don’t want to see what you buy.
The speed alone is enough to make you lose your head,
Ignore conventional shopping, take this approach instead.

But I know right now, you’re thinking back to the story
Could he help the lion, tin man, scarecrow and Dorothy?
Here is what he would give for the things they’d request,
And I’ve a sneaking suspicion that you’ll be impressed:
As for the scarecrow, who only wanted a brain,
He’ll sell Nintendo brain training DS lite game.
The tin man who has always longed for a heart,
Will be able to woo tin ladies with a piece of modern art.
The lion? Well we know that he wanted courage;
A replica suit of armour is the answer to his worries.
Of course the wizard knows ‘there is no place like home’,
For all those people who would really rather not roam
Into town, Argos online is the obvious answer,
With guaranteed next day delivery to please them even faster!

So next time you find yourself in trouble or in bother,
Don’t waste your time and energy asking another:
If you want a happy ending then let the wizard write it!
But here’s an advanced warning: that you still have to buy it

Belated Christmas poem

You better watch out!

‘Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse.
But don’t feel contented instead please beware,
Because soon that old creep Santa Claus will be there.

I know you’re thinking ‘he’s a kind old man’,
But don’t let him fool you, of course that’s his plan.
So it is only my duty to suggest ways to divert,
the world’s most successful and most famous pervert.

Now don’t be surprised, come on surely a man creeping
around your house watching you while you’re sleeping.
Is at the very least a cause for concern,
no matter how many gifts he leaves under the fern.

And you know from the songs just what he’s done
he’s even managed to get off with your mum!
so look out for the red suit, the reindeer and sleigh
And don’t let this man ruin your Christmas day!

There’s a million ways to wipe off his smile
Why not fortify your house, home alone style
or at least block your chimney with rolls of barbed wire,
or replace it all together with an electric fire.

Why not place in your kitchen a highly trained sniper,
or let loose near the tree a poisonous viper.
Perhaps speak to an expert; one who has mastered,
the ideal way to take out the bastard!

So in your house keep a hit man to get rid of the sod!
Or else buy a Rottweiler and let him do the job!
Why not instead take your glade motion sensor
filled with poisonous gas to knock out the old lecher

The really is no end to the ways you can keep,
this creep out your house so you can actually sleep.
And only at last when he finally takes flight
Can you wish, “Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good-night!”